Walking Shoes

Some pretty significant things had to happen for things to start turning around.

Although I refused to take the anti-depressant Rx prescribed to treat my postpartum, I could not refuse that my Hypothyroidism could not be fixed with my mind control. 

I am no stranger to thyroid issues, so when my blood results finally indicated that I was suffering from the disease, I strangely felt some relief. Because it is a physical condition and is linked to depression, weight gain, constant fatigue, etc., this diagnosis at last gave me something that didn't feel like it was entirely my fault, something I could pull strength from rather than more guilt. I started taking my medication daily...

The financial crisis we were spiralling in came to a halt. That is not to say that we are completely out of the woods, but after hours and hours on end, days, weeks on the phone with Services Canada to reclaim the income which was owed, we received our missing months worth of payments.  Slowly the noose loosened and we were able to breathe again. Buy groceries. Make our mortgage payments. Stop arguing about every little thing, every single penny scraped and spent.

Another major event that occurred was when out of nowhere my son was rushed twice to the emergency room, with what we found out later was pneumonia. This huge wake-up call scared us straight, and fast. There is nothing like fearing for the life of your little baby to bring you back to solid ground, to appreciate every medical professional out there, to thank God for every breath, and to remind you that love and family and health are really what matters. My husband and I were reinforced as partners again. In those petrifying hours at the hospital, and the many sleepless nights that followed once we were released to return home, we were able to see clearly (for the first time in what felt like eons,) and know that somehow we would figure things out.

When my son was well enough and the weather cooperated to head out for a walk, we did just that. We head outside on that spring like afternoon, with my baby boy and faithful lab, I heard every bird sing and smiled at every fluffy could in the bright blue sky. The breeze was fresh and the shining sun warmed our faces as we walked. Strangely I took a different turn and ran into a nurse I knew when I had been dealing with ripped nipples and breast feeding battles. At 32, with no prior history or cause or warning, she was learned she was fighting Breast Cancer. In light of her life changing circumstances, she was as cheerful and bright as the sun. Immediately, my own situation seemed minute. I was ashamed of myself for getting so bogged down with things that ultimately can be be corrected, which are in our control. Again, reminded, that health, love and family are all that matters.

The next day I walked again. With my baby boy and faithful lab. We dropped tulips off on her doorstep as she began a new session of treatments and eagerly awaited her second mastectomy; I wanted her to know that as she fights to save her own life, she helped me step up and save myself. Everyday since then, even as the stresses of work and home and finances and health continue to fluctuate, I get stronger. I hope she is too.

PLG ~ JKF

Snake Bites

So I thought last year was my year, but according to my Chinese Astrology, this is my year (I was born under the Snake.) Ironic, since the slithery suckers feed my only phobia, however equally reassuring since this year, lucky number 2013, started out with my head screwed on backwards and with two left feet. I was stuck on spin and couldn't see my way.
 Shortly after my last post, my son, myself, and my husband fell ill. It doubled thru the house lasting much longer than a common cold, and knocked me flat on my butt. Simultaneously, my son's teething reached a new level of pain that sadly, not even the best teething necklace or max amount of Infants Tylenol could take away, (although they did make it a million times more bearable), and then, perfectly timed we thundered into December's holiday season with the arrival of my grandmother in-law and the start of her 2 month long visit from France! 2 months is long for anyone, but mix in my seemingly never-ending, far-more-time-consuming-than-I-anticipated TEFL course; ongoing sleep deprivation and overall lagging from the month prior; the stresses of the Christmas season plus the pressures of a perfect 'baby's first', along with the woes of maternity leave pay and financial difficulties; and there you have one totally overwhelmed, overweight, over emotional little mama lost.

Fortunately, once my tears had dried and things started to slowly resemble a routine again in early January, I finally had my long overdue follow-up with my post natal nurse. This was a service I had hesitated accepting; one that became more of a friendly chat than medical evaluation; and the same service that may have changed my life. Turns out that even though the symptoms I was suffering - feelings of darkness and of being overwhelmed, like the world was on top of me and suddenly nothing was turning out the way I had - greatly resembled PPD and it was time to get help. 

This was the most awful thing I had ever heard while it was also a great relief. It gave a reason to the shift in my personality, the missing optimism I pride myself on, the frequent crying and edginess. But I refused to take anti-depressants, and something about the diagnosis just didn't feel right. I LOVE being a mom, LOVE my little angel more than I can put into words, and feel our bond with everything in me...

When my second follow-up and short quiz showed worse results, she insisted it was time for some blood work. My blood test screened for Thyroid, low and behold, the sky cleared! Taking medication that corrects a significant problem in my body was nowhere near as terrifying as the former. Yes, it might be for life, but it is a way easier pill to swallow, literally, than so many of the alternatives I might have been facing. A couple weeks in, and I am feeling light years away from where I was a we rang in the new year just over a month ago. I feel, like me. Busy, stressed, tons going on, but me. Half full me. See the bright side me. Finding time to get things done me. Not some stranger hanging out under the dark clouds. 

And thank goodness. Thank God for hearing my prayers.
And happy new year! Again. 
This is why I love the Chinese calendar. It gives a new year a new boost, so the rest of the year can head in the right direction. With head on straight. Left foot. Right.

Babysteps ;)

PLF JKF

Bewitch? I wish...

Seriously, where does the time go? 
Oh, that's right, I know! Passing away the days in awe of moments like this one:

http://youtu.be/88K5-fZEIeM 

...while simultaneously, obsessively trying to figure out how I can turn my love of writing and dream of earning an income thru writing into reality; of someday publishing a book à la EL James/Suzanne Collins, with a mix of Mean Girls/Bridesmaids... and then some.

Instead of making "it" happen, actually WRITING, I'm stuck, blocked if you will, enjoying the moments of motherhood and being home with baby, washing bottles and finding my body again and yes, I admit, watching way too much TV (I mean, come on - Ellen's 10th season! BB14 Finale! Glee and season premieres, oh my!) while my little guy sleeps peacefully on me, leaving me only one free hand to type. The ideas tornado around in my mind, leaving me confused and, let's be honest, afraid that they may stay for twirling in my mind and not released into something special for the world to read, that i may never achieve the legacy I'd like to leave for my son.

I'm trying not to panic, feeling as though this transitional year is too quickly ticking away, and reminding myself where there is a will...and to just go, just do, do do. 'They' (the wise) say, "do what you love, and the money will come." If only someone could pay the bills in the meantime...If only I could twitch my nose and have it be real when I open my eyes...



...but even in the age/speed of the internet,  the time when everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame, and when, well everything, is immediate, it remains true that most things worth having, especially life long dreams and visions, are worth hard work, dedication and persistence. 

With that in mind, and with one free hand, off I go to start chapter one... again;)

Cheers, to not giving up!
PLG ~ JKF

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! May the Dragon Be with You!

Wishing you all only the best for a safe, healthy, prosperous, exciting new year. May it be full of challenges you thrive from, dreams that come true, and blessed successes. 

Thank you for your continued support! Even as I continue to lag and fall behind in posts... And no, I still haven't finished my first manuscript, or gotten any further as an established, published writer. But I refuse to give up or allow myself to stop believing in my dream or my passions... however long it takes.          "If you believe, and can conceive, you can achieve."


As I move into this new year, about to see my life forever changed with my son's arrival soon approaching (!!!!), I reflect on the year(s) past and feel stronger and more grateful than ever. My life has surely not been without heartache, loss, and struggles. I have been kicked down more than I can count. I have been let down more than I can count. I have been surprised by unplanned turn of events more than I can count. I have been bullied, broke and broken. I have been alone and afraid. I have even battled with health, weight, money, with serious, different types of abuse and addictions. I too, the eternal optimist, have been depressed, discouraged, derailed. 


But I am still here. Still living and still going. One day at a time. I get lost and have trouble finding my way, just as much as the next guy, but I still believe that I can live my best life and be my most authentic self. 


This is all I wish for you as well. Life is not perfect, nor are our relationships, or our working conditions, or our financial circumstances, etc. But giving up and succumbing to negative, depressing thoughts and attitudes has never helped anyone. Moving into this new year, remember to count your blessings, as often as possible. You will notice the more you do, the more you find there are to count. 

"According to the Chinese Zodiac, the Year of 2012 is the Year of the Dragon, which begins on January 23, 2012 and ends on February 9, 2013.  The Dragon is the fifth sign of the Chinese Zodiac, which consists of 12 Animal signs.  The Dragon is a creature of myth and legend.  In ancient China, the celestial Dragon represents an emperor and  power. Today, it  is the ultimate auspicious symbol signifying success and happiness.   May the celestial Dragon bring great good luck to everyone"

May the luck, power & strength of the Dragon be with you in 2012. Whether you believe in Chinese Astrology or not, let yourself be inspired by this mythical, magical creature and dream big! Rome wasn't built in a day! Things worth having are worth fighting for...and they usually don't happen overnight. But in a whole year, who knows what could be?


Peace, Love, Gratitude
JKForfait

Rainbows Update: Pot of Gold

I know, it's been a while... and I know I said this blog wasn't meant to be about babies...but it is about bumps along the way, and dreams coming true...(and for those of you you may have read/followed, my rainbows journey), this long overdue update is yet another testament that things happen for a reason, in their way, in their own time.

The countdown clock from that journey may have ticked away its last minute, but I am FINALLY expecting!

Since our failed IVF last summer (2010) and the many difficult years prior to that, of probing and prodding, tests and diagnoses, we had decided in was in our best interest to STOP. So we did. We stopped all of it: the visits to the clinic, the acupuncture, the herbal treatments, needles, checking in with doctors in general. We were out thousands of dollars, devastated and desolate. We had reached our breaking point and had had enough.  

This led us to the crossroads, I referred to in my last post, compelling my husband and I to truly step back and look at our lives: where we had come from; what we had been thru; how much had changed for the better, and for the worst; the challenges we had endured, specifically with starting a family; the tribulations we had put our bodies thru, our spirit thru, our relationships thru, our marriage thru…We sat there on the porch reflecting, on that momentous, sunny, warm July evening, and decided that it was time to make a big change, to take the other fork in the road. We had no idea just how big and important and life altering this change would be. We only knew it felt right.

Call it an A-Ha moment, if you will. 

Literally from the minute we got the keys to our new home, in our new town, ready to start our new life, we became just that, new. Renewed. As though, after 8 years of marriage and 5 years of trying to conceive, that we ourselves had inhaled for the first time, found that breath that had been lodged in our chests. We had our second chance for the life we always imagined to be ours. Nothing from the past mattered any longer, only the bright future ahead. For the first time, we were finally home, sweet, home, and there to stay.

As the sun set and we watched from our newly painted, box-filled garage, we toasted champagne and enjoyed the breathtaking Northumberland views. Our hearts were filled with joy and gratitude, certain we had found where we belonged, where we were meant to be.  That is not to say that we had been wasting time previously. Quite the contrary. Rather, as hard and daunting as it was, we had to go thru all of that, lose what we lost, walk away when it was time, let go and not look back, to get to where we are now.

And where we are now, is 5 months pregnant! Enjoying the rest of a blissful, beach-filled, sun-kissed summer, we conceived naturally, at no one’s greater surprise than our own!

Never allowing myself to be set up for disappointment as we had done for so long, I ignore the fact that my period was slight and unusual. But the time came when I could no longer deny the exhaustion, dizziness, nausea and acute sense of smell I had been feeling for weeks. Secretly taking a home test, the digital screen flashed “pregnant” and I almost fainted. My husband was in complete disbelief. We did 3 more home tests that weekend until we finally got the lab results several days later that it was true. Our baby had found its way to us. When the time was right.

It has taken until now to write about it since it’s only now just really becoming real, but has consumed me completely. I have found it hard to think about much else, particularly hard to write. You would think as a budding writer, all I would want to do was write, write, write about this miracle. Oddly, I felt protective and private...and really, really dog-tired exhausted, motivated only for rest whenever I could get it...until now. The magic and wonder of this new life still has us in awe, but the dream-like, fearful, nervous weeks are passing, as the bump in my belly begins to show. We’ve seen the flicker of a heartbeat and the movement of knees and elbows. The spine is formed and the brain has come together. There is a child in there. Growing. All on it’s own.

Miracles happen everyday. Dreams do come true. We may have stopped ”trying,” but I always believed in my heart we would be parents… someday…

JKF

(Sidenote: for more back stories, see Rainbows & Babysteps)

Forever, with peace, love and gratitude,

9 Drafts, 2 Towns & a Million Boxes Later...

Here I am. Finalement! This is the FIRST ENTIRE DAY in weeks (!!!) - literally - that I have had to myself, to buy pads and deodorant, to wipe my tears, to pluck my eyebrows, to  think, to plan, to write, and to hopefully make it from draft to post...

I don't know about the rest of you, but this summer has been a blur. I cannot believe it is the 15th of August already. Between packing and unpacking, re-packing, packing again, cleaning, storing, celebrating, sleeping, packing and unpacking some more, painting, cooking, organizing, re-organizing, organizing again - the weeks have gone by so quickly that I actually wish it had all been filmed on a reality TV show (it could be The Northumberland Hills," or "The Cobourg Shore," lol) so that I could now watch it back and actually take in the last 2 months.

I have said before that moving is one of the top most stressful things in life, but I don't think even I knew what that meant. Since meeting my husband, this was the 8th time we have moved in 8 years, from Mexico where we met, to France where he's from, to Canada where we have been hopping, skipping and jumping all over...to land, atlast, here in this "feel good town" of Cobourg. I think I can finally say I am home sweet home, and mean it. Dorothy was right, there is no place like it.

A dream come true, really. I have imagined living here, near its glorious beach and surf side main street, with its smiling faces and friendly neighbours, since I was a little girl. I feel every bit that I am where I belong.



Me, Victoria Beach, 1977


That in no way means that it has been an easy move or transition. The stress, tension, exhaustion have taken hard knocks on me and even my marriage, so much that I wondered this morning if I had indeed stepped into my dreams like I believed, or if I had instead taken a million steps backwards rather than forwards by mistake...

But these insecure doubts come to mind only due to a fragile heart. A fragile heart due only to the above stress and tolls mentionned. A long, heavy build up of challenges which my husband and I continue to plow thru, and which sometimes leaves my heart wounded in our wake.

When our hearts hurt, everything else is a little darker too.
I know that by tomorrow, when the rains dries and the clouds clear, when the sun shines its bright head again, that the doubts and tears will dry up too.

Our dreams (marriages?) are not supposed to be easy to attain and hang onto, they require hard work and dedication and persistence and patience and love and forgiveness. But so often our dreams (marriages?) are crushed, devastated, let go simply because it is easier and faster to give up.

Well not me. I will fight on for my dreams and my marriage and everything I believe in.

This experience has opened my eyes further and made me take account all of the things I have gained and lost during the last decade; it has made me see how I have evolved, and how, in some ways, I have digressed. It has shown me that there is no "post" button on my life or my dreams or my marriage, to put it out there and call it "complete" - it is forever a "draft" in progress, with a whole lot of editing yet!

For now, I will keep breathing, deeply, closing my eyes when I can, and smelling the near-water-fresh air as much as possible. I will look thru binoculars and explore and learn more about birds and flowers. I will ride my bike and walk my dog. I will turn off the self-destructive broken record in my head, a.k.a. Guilt, that gives me crap all the time for not writing, writing, writing, (and various other things) since I will write and keep writing all of my life...and I will enjoy what is left of this most wonderful season of the year, in my new home sweet home, near the beach sweet beach, you know just feelin' good as best I can...

I hope you will too...enjoy the rest of the summer... breathe...take it in...

Peace ~ Love  ~ Gratitude

Making Time for a Quickie

Keeping up in the theme of yesterday's motivational speakers, I am making time; making time, right now, to do what I love. And I feel great.
Relief.

By making time, right now, I mean that I am finding the good in the chores that have to get done in this short window of time. Somehow, as I multitask, I am finding new ways of being grateful and doing things I love.

For example, this very minute, I am sneaking in a moment for this quickie post - even if only for a minute, writing soothes my soul; while catching up on Y&R - for me, the sounds of Genoa City in the background represents comfort; in between rounds of washing the dishes, and tidying the kitchen - I feel warm enjoying the sun going down out the window and grateful that I have dishes to wash and a kitchen to clean; Husband is outside chatting with a new neighbour, surely drinking a(nother) cold beer - instead of being bitter that he is out there and I am in here cleaning, I am thankful for these stolen moments to myself, inside where it's cooler, to clear my head and take a break from the thick, scorching evening heat outside.

What wiseguy said that "when we're multitasking, we're not acutally getting anything done?"  I disagree.

It's just about making time. Doing. Breathing.

I was feeling slightly embarrassed about my emotional diarrhea from yesterday's post, and now, not so much. I am happy to have reminded myself that a breakdown is sometimes required to turn that page.

...
 PLG ~ JKF

Belly Flop

So starting anew ain't that easy. Could swear I have heard that somewhere before...


I have been fumbling around now for weeks, from one blog site to another, stuck on layouts and colours, names and themes, when all I really want to be doing is writing and posting and inspiring, not wasting time on aesthetics. Without a "project" per se, I have been lost, unfocused.

But we do that, don't we? When we're nervous or afraid, or feeling stuck, frozen, unsure, we procrastinate and tip toe closer, when sometimes we would be better off just diving in already! Like at the lake, looking down at the cold dark water from up high above on the bridge where the jump itself (the first step) is the most frightening thing. But once you go, even if you belly flop, smacking hard and sharp on the frigid water world below, it turns out it wasn't so scary after all. One might say it was exhilarating even.

Our own fears are so often so much worse than whatever is really at hand. So this here is my belly flop, finally I am jumping in. No more dragging my feet. Doesn't matter if it hurts a little, once you're all wet, the water isn't that cold and the fun is just about to begin...

PLG ~ JKF