I know, it's been a while... and I know I said this blog wasn't meant to be about babies...but it is about bumps along the way, and dreams coming true...(and for those of you you may have read/followed, my rainbows journey), this long overdue update is yet another testament that things happen for a reason, in their way, in their own time.
The countdown clock from that journey may have ticked away its last minute, but I am FINALLY expecting!
Since our failed IVF last summer (2010) and the many difficult years prior to that, of probing and prodding, tests and diagnoses, we had decided in was in our best interest to STOP. So we did. We stopped all of it: the visits to the clinic, the acupuncture, the herbal treatments, needles, checking in with doctors in general. We were out thousands of dollars, devastated and desolate. We had reached our breaking point and had had enough.
This led us to the crossroads, I referred to in my last post, compelling my husband and I to truly step back and look at our lives: where we had come from; what we had been thru; how much had changed for the better, and for the worst; the challenges we had endured, specifically with starting a family; the tribulations we had put our bodies thru, our spirit thru, our relationships thru, our marriage thru…We sat there on the porch reflecting, on that momentous, sunny, warm July evening, and decided that it was time to make a big change, to take the other fork in the road. We had no idea just how big and important and life altering this change would be. We only knew it felt right.
Literally from the minute we got the keys to our new home, in our new town, ready to start our new life, we became just that, new. Renewed. As though, after 8 years of marriage and 5 years of trying to conceive, that we ourselves had inhaled for the first time, found that breath that had been lodged in our chests. We had our second chance for the life we always imagined to be ours. Nothing from the past mattered any longer, only the bright future ahead. For the first time, we were finally home, sweet, home, and there to stay.
As the sun set and we watched from our newly painted, box-filled garage, we toasted champagne and enjoyed the breathtaking Northumberland views. Our hearts were filled with joy and gratitude, certain we had found where we belonged, where we were meant to be. That is not to say that we had been wasting time previously. Quite the contrary. Rather, as hard and daunting as it was, we had to go thru all of that, lose what we lost, walk away when it was time, let go and not look back, to get to where we are now.
And where we are now, is 5 months pregnant! Enjoying the rest of a blissful, beach-filled, sun-kissed summer, we conceived naturally, at no one’s greater surprise than our own!
Never allowing myself to be set up for disappointment as we had done for so long, I ignore the fact that my period was slight and unusual. But the time came when I could no longer deny the exhaustion, dizziness, nausea and acute sense of smell I had been feeling for weeks. Secretly taking a home test, the digital screen flashed “pregnant” and I almost fainted. My husband was in complete disbelief. We did 3 more home tests that weekend until we finally got the lab results several days later that it was true. Our baby had found its way to us. When the time was right.
It has taken until now to write about it since it’s only now just really becoming real, but has consumed me completely. I have found it hard to think about much else, particularly hard to write. You would think as a budding writer, all I would want to do was write, write, write about this miracle. Oddly, I felt protective and private...and really, really dog-tired exhausted, motivated only for rest whenever I could get it...until now. The magic and wonder of this new life still has us in awe, but the dream-like, fearful, nervous weeks are passing, as the bump in my belly begins to show. We’ve seen the flicker of a heartbeat and the movement of knees and elbows. The spine is formed and the brain has come together. There is a child in there. Growing. All on it’s own.
Miracles happen everyday. Dreams do come true. We may have stopped ”trying,” but I always believed in my heart we would be parents… someday…
JKF
Forever, with peace, love and gratitude,
