I can still remember what this feels like...we've all been there ;)!
Read this hilarious letter to all parents from a
non-parent, and whichever you are, you'll feel better.
PLG ~ JKF
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August 4, 2012
I am sure every new mom feels a lot of what I have been feeling, particularly during the last few weeks of my pregnancy and throughout the first few weeks of actual motherhood.
Getting here, as I imagine for most, was was certainly not without its share of pain, stress, frustrations, and overall dark, scary moments. My long, uphill road to becoming a mom was very complicated, right up until the very last second before our son was born. Our little angel arrived 11 days late, via induction and then c-section, after more than 24 hours of labour! Healthy and beautiful, every heartache dissolved and he immediately became the light of my life, while the true love I have for my husband swelled.
That said, I was terrified, felt very much alone (especially once daddy returned to work) and temperamental in a way I had never before experienced. There are no words to truly describe the roller coaster of emotions, exhaustion, fears, trials and errors along this journey and anyone who says it's all rainbows and unicorns is lying through their teeth, more to themselves than anyone else, because even in the best of circumstances, nothing that can ever really prepare a first-timer parent for the total upheaval of life as you know it. I can better understand why so many woman tiptoe on the edge of postpartum depression, if not succumbing to it entirely, and I now have so much more empathy and compassion for single moms, parents of multiples, and for couples that don't survive the tolls having children can take the relationship. My heart goes out to you…
This little clip, a reflection of motherhood, may help give a little taste however; it benefited me and was something that really hit home weeks before my delivery. (I suggest you have some kleenex handy when watching.)
My heart also goes out to any wannabe-moms still out there trying to conceive. I was one for what felt like forever, and I don't ever want to be insensitive or condescending to those struggling with their own fertility matters. I never want to be one of 'those moms,' the ones I used to … hate is such a strong word… resent, as they blubbered, gushing allover the place about stuff I'd 'get' if I were a mom, and on and on all about their perfectly perfect babies. I am conscious not to go on and on, but I get it now. This little man without a doubt has turned my universe right side up, and I have to watch not to blather on obsessively myself. My eyes have been opened and my soul has never loved so deeply, so completely.
PLG ~ JKF
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| Ash Nayler |
I had begun by explaining my last few months of refuge and why I had retreated, sharing very little of my pregnancy, or anything else for that matter. Although I have enjoyed every minute of being pregnant, it has been from a very spiritual, emotional and personal place. Because I have shared so much of the difficult years we endured getting here, I felt more protective and private about this new journey.
At the beginning, I worried about jinxing myself, like any woman would whom has fought to become pregnant and/or suffered thru the unbearable loss and disappointment that almost inevitably comes along with TTC, ART and other infertility struggles. Once things started to feel more assured and certain, I then feared becoming an obnoxious, boastful, insensitive mommy-to-be, like so many I had previously encountered, women I had come to despise and resent. I worried chronicling this miracle would make me no better than they, still feeling very empathetic to the millions of men and women fighting their own fertility battles. Not to mention I feared which path it would take this blog on, as I continue to listen for my writer’s voice, confused as to what I really need to be writing about, and which other, non-baby-related matters that need attention.
I also learned quickly that everyone has something to say when sporting a baby bump – albeit mostly positive, everyone (and I mean everyone from friends and family to cashiers to servers, to random strangers on the street) has advice and stories of their own, opinions on the size of the bump, the sex, the name, how good you look, how swollen your hands are... As much as I appreciate the outpouring of support and good wishes, the larger I got, the more exposed I became, the more I felt I wanted to shield this precious time, expectant with child; having little control or privacy left, other than my own thoughts, feelings, and magical milestone moments intended only for me and my husband.
Although feeling happier and more blessed than I have ever felt in my life, more complete and more on track than ever, I dejectedly succumbed to utter, complete exhaustion, and the more challenging physical attributes of pregnancy. Somewhere in the middle of all of this over-thinking and the analytical debates with the voices in my head, and combined with the 2-3 hour daily commute to work, the little-to-no sleep, the intense sciatica, and the severely painful carpal tunnel I have in both arms, it became impossible for me to do much of anything other than rest whenever I could, let alone put pen to paper (or thoughts to keyboard in this case). Even now as I type, my fingers and arms are burning and seizing up, but thankfully, I am officially on leave from work, making the smallest everyday tasks more manageable, allowing me to take one day, one hour at a time. I thank the heavens as much as possible, reflect and hope. I recognize that these are my final days of it being all about me, and I welcome this exciting new chapter...
For soon to be moms, I invite you to watch this brilliant video – for me, thru heavy tears, this crazy, surreal miracle became real.
For not so soon to be moms, just keep believing. Our dreams sometimes sneak up on us if we hang onto them tight enough...
PLG ~ JKF
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November 29, 2011
I know I started out this blog by saying that it wasn't going to be about babies, exactly, but I did say it was going to be about "bumps along the way," on this new chapter of my life, in this new start that my husband and I embarked on recently. As it turns out, the major bump along the way is the most incredible bump I have ever experienced, and I wouldn't be true to myself, or to any Rainbows Readers, if not to share at least some of this very special, long awaited miracle, one that I still cannot quite wrap my head around, but know I don't need to fully understand how, but just to know that it's not one of my vivid night dreams.
Currently, my baby bump is 19 weeks along. My body has reverted back to the "Frosh 15" version of myself, the one that took years to shed the 30+ extra pounds I gained thru university; my breasts are huge and sore and no fun at all; and seem to be experiencing some sort of pregnancy insomnia. I have regular headaches and don't feel like I am "glowing" one bit...
...but I have never been happier or more excited. I can only pray that things continue to progress as healthily and normally as they have been. I thank my lucky stars everyday and feel more grateful with every super-fast heart beat that thumps within.
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