As 2013 winds
down, it’s time again to reflect on yet another year gone by, now that I can
finally come up for air.
What a
year it has been…
I’m not
quite sure what I had expected 2013 would be, but I knew it would be one like
no other. Maybe because it was the year of the Snake, a "mix of good and bad fortune." Maybe because I’ve been terrified
of snakes for as long as I can remember…
As I’ve
talked about in earlier posts, the year began in a foggy mosaic of un-diagnosed thyroid issues,
un-treated post-partum depression, enormous financial and home-related
stresses, and of course, the indescribable joys of being a new mom. Thank
goodness for the mom part; my son was the light that saved us, and I believe became
the main glue that kept us going all year long...
In the spring, our home had been for sale for 6 months, I was still on
maternity/extended leave, and we had no idea what was next for us - where we would be living, how we would make our mortgage, etc... The unsettled and nerve-wracking days, weeks were filled with home showings, house hunting,
arguments, tears, bank issues, hours and hours of follow-up, fights with agents, and endless frustrations. Not to mention the guilt I felt for my son and his environment being so tense. But his light shone on...
As my
health and sanity improved, the fog cleared, and my angel son grew literally before
my eyes, granting us then and now, the greatest joys we’ve ever known. The fear
of the unknown still loomed, while we hung on tight, getting through one day at a
time.
Suddenly,
in what all happened in a matter of days, our home sold and we moved (again);
we left the country to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary, and I
finally found work that worked for us, and didn't create more issues. We found a childcare provider that didn't send me into hysterics, and who has quickly become a cherished person in our lives. Overnight, our future began to feel lighter, secure and less alarming.
4 months
into being back at work, I still struggle everyday leaving my son, albeit
slowly, it does get easier. Beyond mommy guilt, it physically hurts my heart
and missing him sits in my throat all day long…but I can see the benefits for
all three of us: the independence and additional income, the socialization, friends, and an overwhelming sense of family when we are reunited. It’s a shame
we live in a society in which we have to choose to be able to raise our family,
or be able provide for them…
But I’m blessed to have a family at all, and a home, and a means to pay our
bills. I am grateful to be able to come up for air on the other side of the year that chewed me up and spit me out. I am thankful that these are the worst of our problems, because there are always worse ones out there. For those of you out there suffering those worse problems, I pray for you and send you strength. For the people I love that we've lost this year, I honour your memory by sucking it up and moving forward. For people like my beloved aunt who are being consumed by cancer and were never given a fighting chance, I will not cry over split milk or low bank accounts, but consciously be joyful and happy to be alive.
All I
know is that the saying “this too shall pass” is true for us all…If we believe it and hang on, the sun will come up and we'll catch our breath.
I am looking forward to 2014 - year of the majestic Horse, a multiple
of 7, I believe ‘14 is gonna be lucky… God bless.
PLG ~JKF
